Life story of a Lesbian
I’m falling leaf and this is my story.
Growing up in the Philippines, I always thought my only purpose was to marry a man, have children, and raise a family. My mother’s words echoed in my mind: “You’re a girl, you should marry a man and a man only,” and “Gays will go to hell.” This was what I believed, and it shaped everything about my life.
But as I got older, I started to realize that I was different. This scared me because if I wasn’t meant to marry a man and have children, then what was my purpose? I was so confused and scared. To cope, I started telling people I was bisexual because it was more accepted in the Philippines than being a lesbian. But deep down, I knew I was lying. I knew I was a lesbian, and each lie felt like I was losing a part of myself.
The fear of disappointing my mother held me back from telling the truth. She had nurtured me, cherished me, and loved me. How could I tell her that I wouldn’t be able to give her the grandchildren she wanted? The thought filled me with dread and self-loathing. I hated myself for not being the daughter she had dreamed of.
Every time I tried to like a man, I felt empty and unhappy. My heart belonged to my childhood friend, a girl I had loved, admired, and adored since I was young. At first, I brushed off these feelings as normal, but as we became teenagers, I realized how deep my love for her was. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, but I was scared. I knew she wouldn’t love me the same way, and I feared my mother’s reaction.
One day, I couldn’t hold back anymore and confessed my love to her. Her reaction was one of disgust. She looked at me like I was trash and told my mother about it. My mother was furious. She hit me, slapped me, grabbed my hair, and even chased me with a knife, saying, “You should just die if you’re gonna be like that! I can’t believe I gave birth to a disgusting person like you!” She even called the local priest to exorcise me, believing I was possessed by a demon.
I cried so hard. I was just a kid and didn’t know how to defend myself. After that, my relationship with my mother was never the same. We ignored each other most of the time, but she still said things like, “You’ll go to hell” and “A man is for a girl, and a girl is for a man.” I couldn’t even hate her because she’s my mom.
After that incident, my mental health started to deteriorate. I even wanted to kill myself and started cutting myself. I blamed myself for everything, thinking, “Why am I born a lesbian? If I wasn’t a lesbian, maybe I would be happier now.”
Living as a lesbian in a society with such strict views on gender and sexuality is incredibly hard. But I am on a journey of self-acceptance. I am learning to love myself for who I am, not who others want me to be. It’s a slow process, but I believe that one day I will be able to live my truth openly and proudly. I hope that in time, my mother will come to understand and accept me as I am, not just for what I can provide.
This is my journey, and I am determined to walk it with courage and self-compassion. I am more than the expectations placed upon me. My worth is not determined by my ability to conform to societal norms but by my ability to live my truth.
